have often heard it said that it is obvious what a dominant in lifestyle D/s
gets out of controlling a slave all kinds of service, and someone at
their beck and call. But what does a slave get out of this arrangement?
vision of slave held by the questioner that of service-oriented choreboy
or -girl is fueled as much by stereotype as reality. There are many
types of slaves, and service is not a driving force for all who choose that
path. Nevertheless, the question in its naivity touches upon an important
point: why would anyone choose to be a slave and be at the command of another?
spoke to this with the following response in a newsgroup discussion some time
ago. I mingle my terms a bit in this reply: although slave
as I use the word is found in a M/s relationship, I refer to D/s to speak
to the broader spectrum of relationships which include psychological control.
this circulated through the net and came back to me in a mailing list discussion,
attributed to "Anonymous". No, I am not anonymous; see the
for permission to reuse.
does the slave get out of a D/s relationship where the Dominant has final
say, always, and pervasive control of the slave?
It is an opportunity to express one's fullest, deepest devotion to and love
is a partnership that is intensely bonded, intensely intimate (even for slaves
for whom the relationship is non-sexual, the emotional bond is extraordinarily
is getting to "do" for the Dominant, in all kinds of ways that are
personally meaningful (as well as many that are not, but that make the Dom/me
is finding one's niche in a heirarchy, joining an Army of Two, becoming Someone's
indispensible right hand. It is accepting final decisions even if you don't
agree with them, because your loyalty is to the greater thing you are building
between you; its success does not hinge on singular instances of disagreement
(or agreement) between you, but on the accord and harmony you build over time,
and this is predicated on trust.
It is about developing and exploring profound depths of trust and intimacy.
It is about transcending ego.
It is about finding the freedom, in slavery, for a fuller expression of self.
It is finding one's place, at last, by a special Someone's side, and having
the nurturance and protection and for many slaves, guidance, that makes one
feel safe and loved and cared for in an unshakeably enduring way.
a start, but it is also, perhaps, the essence, and the end.