Back to BDSM Menu


(c) 2004 by Deborah Teramis Christian. All rights reserved. Contact the author for permission to reuse.
























I have often heard it said that it is obvious what a dominant in lifestyle D/s gets out of controlling a slave – all kinds of service, and someone at their beck and call. But what does a slave get out of this arrangement?

That vision of slave held by the questioner – that of service-oriented choreboy or -girl – is fueled as much by stereotype as reality. There are many types of slaves, and service is not a driving force for all who choose that path. Nevertheless, the question in its naivity touches upon an important point: why would anyone choose to be a slave and be at the command of another?

I spoke to this with the following response in a newsgroup discussion some time ago. I mingle my terms a bit in this reply: although slave as I use the word is found in a M/s relationship, I refer to D/s to speak to the broader spectrum of relationships which include psychological control.

Later, this circulated through the net and came back to me in a mailing list discussion, attributed to "Anonymous". No, I am not anonymous; see the fine print for permission to reuse.


What does the slave get out of a D/s relationship where the Dominant has final say, always, and pervasive control of the slave?

* It is an opportunity to express one's fullest, deepest devotion to and love for One.

*It is a partnership that is intensely bonded, intensely intimate (even for slaves for whom the relationship is non-sexual, the emotional bond is extraordinarily intimate).

*It is getting to "do" for the Dominant, in all kinds of ways that are personally meaningful (as well as many that are not, but that make the Dom/me happy ;).

*It is finding one's niche in a heirarchy, joining an Army of Two, becoming Someone's indispensible right hand. It is accepting final decisions even if you don't agree with them, because your loyalty is to the greater thing you are building between you; its success does not hinge on singular instances of disagreement (or agreement) between you, but on the accord and harmony you build over time, and this is predicated on trust.

* It is about developing and exploring profound depths of trust and intimacy.

* It is about transcending ego.

* It is about finding the freedom, in slavery, for a fuller expression of self.

* It is finding one's place, at last, by a special Someone's side, and having the nurturance and protection and for many slaves, guidance, that makes one feel safe and loved and cared for in an unshakeably enduring way.

That's a start, but it is also, perhaps, the essence, and the end.






What Does the Slave Get Out of It?